I can't just let it go at that. Two other things have happened recently that have also led to my "waking" up. My friend Linda gave me a very direct and blunt "talking to." She later felt bad about it but honestly it was exactly what I needed. Thank you Linda! - basically she told me to grow up and get my head out of the sand and be the strong woman that I am, and to readjust my thinking in a couple of ways/areas. MAN - I appreciate honesty.
The other thing is the quick-gesture drawing class I've been taking with my friend Ron Lemen at Studio 2nd Street. I always feel like a disruption, or like a big heavy clunky clod in his class- it's always one or the other. Totally out of place and out of sync. But the week before last, I brought in a big drawing pad (24 X 36) and have been working at an easel instead of the 18 x 24's or smaller and working from the drawing bench like the rest of the class. Again I felt like the "problem child" in the class - but surprisingly a little less so by the end of the first class, and even a little less the 2nd class. I found myself at times still trying to "obey the rules" and do exactly what Ron was instructing the rest of the class. Why- why- why do I feel like I need someone to give me permission to do things! That is just so stupid usually - but in Ron's class I just don't want to be the problem/disruption/clod that I have been feeling like and I don't want to be disrespectful in any way.
NOTE: Ron is awesome and I have tremendous respect for him. Ron does NOT make me feel this way - I do it to myself! He encourages me. It was his idea to get the big paper and work larger in the first place.
So anyway - I feel like I got even more "permission" in yesterdays class. I find it interesting that the more "different" I get from the rest of the class in certain ways the less awkward and clunky I am feeling. The more "out of place and out of sync" the more comfortable and in sync I feel. Weird in a way. I don't think I am saying EXACTLY what it is I am trying to say - but it is close and I will fix it later if I can. I am actually looking forward to practicing with the DVR at home and going to class next week - bummed it's the last class.
you are not in any way a disruption or a big heavy clunky clod. try not to look at it like the fact that you are doing something different is a negative thing. we love you being at the studio, and we love that you are trying new things. this is a huge part of who you are, by the way - always trying new things. It's also very much like you to feel bad about that. How about this.. if you had to make a choice, one or the other, which would you choose? Trying new things or feeling bad? And don't try to make it more difficult.. just a simple one or the other answer and move on.
ReplyDeleteI definitely choose trying new things! See my Monday the 8th post for more explanation. I DO appreciate your help and advice and encouragement - a bunch.
ReplyDeleteI used to hate it when I was teaching when I had student's - especially the older ones that were taking my class because they wanted to, supposedly - and they would come in and do whatever they wanted and not "stay with the class" - it just used to bug me. Why take the class if your not going to take the class?? I don't want to be that person! But again it is not your fault or responsibility - it is completely me and my "baggage".